Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
