Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
