I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
