4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
