i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I got inside last night via doggy door
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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