I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
