I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
