My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
