Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize