If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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