I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
