I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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