As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize