hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
