I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize