went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
