Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
