what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm really busy with my period
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