Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
