help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Oh god it's open bar.
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