When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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