well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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