I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
