So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
