Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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