At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
