a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
it was like having sex with a tree stump
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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