Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
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