sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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