Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
