I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
