My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
