He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
