You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
So here I am, sexting at work.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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