When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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