I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
