the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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