i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you win again, gameday.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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