i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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