Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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