He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize