so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
