Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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