Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
