Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
