I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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