We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
