They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
