Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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