She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
