Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
