Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
