I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
