This dress was meant to end up on your floor
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
MIDGETS
????
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
