I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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