He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
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