just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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