I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
