if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you had me at cake vodka
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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