Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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